‘I Look to You’

When I welcome you into my life, I had much pain, no plans, no dreams and no hope. Living life as I knew it back then consist of just moving through it and merely existing — not living — I wasn’t living my life chasing pleasure, in whatever shape or form that ended in pain. The truth is, I had no commitment and drifted aimlessly without a purpose. Moreover, as I look at the face of the broken woman in the mirror, I reflect back on my life growing up in the early 70’s; my memories reflect a simpler time, a woman maturing into an increasingly self-reliant woman, at least until a couple of years ago. However, what made the last couple of years different, was that the dark clouds float into my life that carries thunderstorm, mists that made me feel like the world is crashing around me, ‘I Look to You.’

Not only this, being raised in church instilled in me a deep trust that if I’m loyal and always there for my friends and loved ones, they will also be there for me, but that inculcation ends up being built on a big, fat lie and a false foundation. In my life were peoples who wanted me to believe that everything has been decided for me and I had no choice in what I did. However, I couldn’t just accept others as choosing for me, and I can’t afford to waste my time doing things that not best for me or won’t better my life.

Taking a trip down memory lane contemplating back to the last couple of years, I am so flabbergasted at how my life has turned out. My life is nothing like I had initially planned. However, the thing that brought a smile to my face is who I am, my values, and my interests today. 2017 was a challenging year. Although there were undoubtedly high points, moments when light peeked through the darkness, sudden parts have me moving into the next year feeling frustrated and very worn out. Unexpected moment knocked me off course – disappointment, and circumstances, filled with letdown – left me with required time to pause and recoup energy, ‘I look to you.’

Despite having to overcome things becoming so slender going into 2018, I have learned the way I respond to hardships can have a significant effect on me. I can decide on obeying the commandments of God, which lead to His plan of happiness or I can follow Satan’s plan of misery. Furthermore, it doesn’t matter the circumstances in my life; I can choose joy or sadness as I am presented with a choice. What is more, it’s up to me whether my trails become roadblocks in my life or I can make them expressways to learning and growth. It is absurd to look at the enormous amount of pain that flourishes everywhere in the world, as it serves no purpose at all. Besides, unhappiness and much suffering to come are the direct results of sin.

I look to Thee in every need, and never look in vain;

 

There have been long seasons in my life where I felt like nothing was going right, everything was out of whack, and regardless of what I decide to do things went from bad to worst. However, one thing I have learned in recent years is life is what I make of it, and if I want to take full control of my situation, my strength should always be stronger than my circumstances. Moreover, whatever my conditions, there are things I can control, and things I cannot. Though, my primary focus is to be about the things I can control. There is personal suffering that we all can come to understand and when things get hard that I find it very hard to take on the trials of this world, ‘I look to you.’

Being born into an evil world means it is full of trouble, different things drove me crazy to the point where I was not sure whether to scream or laugh at all I been through over the years. In spite of this, I have learned to remember in those challenging seasons of life that changed everything…it does not matter how high my ambitions and expectations for myself, or no matter where I am in life if I am not happy, something needs to change. What’s more, no matter how terrible life may seem at any single point if a change can be made than do it, but if it can’t, learn to cope. From everything that I experience in life, it has brought me to the last person to say life is easy. In every difficulty in my life, whether big or small, ‘I look to you.’

No matter what evil stuff life throws my way, even if it seems hard to make it through, with you, I can be strong, when I’m too weak to handle everything alone. On my own, I’m prone to fall, but to stand, ‘I look to you.’ On those days where I feel hopeless like there is no point in living. During the times when negative and disturbing thoughts consume my mind and it, seem as if there NO way out, ‘I look to you.’ I have experienced days where my mind is overwhelmed that I overanalyze the issue and keep repeating the problem in my mind. I desire a release from an overflow of a troubled mind. I even experience days where I wanted to float away quietly on a cloud or just drift off into a haze where I only think of uplifting things far from the reality of this overwhelming life.

When things get very hard that it just all feels a lot of thoughts from one mind to have to control. The pressure of extreme thinking given is unbearable to live with, and the weight of the world is too much, and my way of living doesn’t match up to my pressure and standards. I take ages to get ready every day on the days when I feel able to try, but I am not keen enough, I lose the ability to control my home or food, then I think I will have absolutely nothing for the rest of my life is so far gone. When I am in the presence of other I feel I have to put on an appearance of appearing respectable and ‘ok’…nonetheless, in reality, I sometimes cry, scream, like a toddler who can’t deal with adult life.

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